Blog

Short reads for hard days and good ones: comfort, hope, gratitude and how to be there for someone you love.

Who I am

I am Ramón Fandos, an English teacher, content creator and columnist at Religión Digital.

This app comes from a very powerful personal experience. I have found in my own life that helping others, caring about them and wishing them well does me good. That when I do something that takes me out of myself, the first to benefit is me.

I have lived it many times, and each time it has surprised me. When I am only attending to my own things, I close in on myself and everything weighs on me more. When I look after another person, I feel more at peace and more alive.

It is not just my impression. Psychology has been studying it for decades and finds the same: keeping others company makes us feel less alone and helps us carry our own burdens better.

I have created this place so that everyone can experience it. Here you can say what you carry inside without saying who you are, and you can keep company with someone who is having a hard time or be glad with someone who has a joy. Both things do good.

Who is behind this

Featured · When something weighs on youWhen something weighs on you insideA worry, a sorrow or a fear weighs less once it comes out. What you can do when something weighs on you: name it, share it, write it down and look after yourself.4 min read

When something weighs on you

Self-compassion: treating yourself as you would treat a friendSelf-compassion means treating yourself with the kindness you would show someone you love. What it is according to Kristin Neff, what research says and how to begin.4 min read Growing after a blowAfter a loss or a crisis, some people notice changes they did not expect. What post-traumatic growth is, what it is not and what science still questions.4 min read A star for youMany people find it hard to ask for support for themselves. Why asking for company is not selfish and why letting others be with you is also a generous act.4 min read When you can’t stop going over itGoing over the same thing again and again has a name: rumination. What it is, why it doesn’t help solve anything and what to do to get out of the loop.4 min read Night-time worriesAt night everything seems more serious. Why worries grow at bedtime and a simple technique, studied by psychology, so they don’t take your sleep.4 min read Crying: why it sometimes brings reliefCrying doesn’t always bring release. What research has found about when tears bring relief, when they don’t and why there is no need to be ashamed of them.4 min read Naming what you feelSaying “I’m sad”, “I’m afraid” or “I can’t go on” makes the emotion weigh a little less. What neuroscience has seen and how to find the word.4 min read Asking for help when it’s hardWe think we’ll be a nuisance or be told no. Studies show that people are far more willing to help than we think. How to ask for help.4 min read Guilt and shame are not the same thingGuilt says “I did something wrong”; shame says “I am what is wrong”. What June Tangney has found about the two and why it helps to tell them apart.4 min read When you compare yourself with othersComparing ourselves is something we do without meaning to. What Leon Festinger explained about why we do it and how to stop it always leaving us below.4 min read The tiredness that sleep doesn’t take awayThere is a tiredness that a weekend doesn’t shift. What burnout is according to Christina Maslach and the WHO, how to recognise it and what helps.4 min read The fear of not doing it perfectlyPerfectionism is not wanting to do things well: it is being unable to bear doing them less than perfectly. What Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett have found.4 min read Feeling you don’t deserve what you’ve achievedBelieving you got here by luck and that one day they will find out. What Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes described and what helps when it happens to you.4 min read When autumn comes and your mood dropsAfter the clocks go back it gets dark earlier and many people’s mood drops. What seasonal affective disorder is, what is known about light, and when to seek help.5 min read Anxiety: when the body sounds the alarmWhy anxiety is felt so strongly in the body, why it goes off without any danger, when it is normal, when to see someone, and what helps according to research.5 min read Writing about what hurtsWhat James Pennebaker found when he asked people to write about what hurt them most, what studies have not confirmed, and how you can try it yourself.5 min read What to do during a panic attackWhat a panic attack is, why fear surges within minutes, what to do while it lasts, how to support someone who has one, and when to see a doctor.6 min read What sadness is forSadness is not a fault. What Joseph Forgas’s experiments found, how it differs from depression and why it helps to let it be.5 min read When you always expect the worstIf your mind always jumps to the worst ending, you are not alone. What catastrophising is, how many worries really come true and what helps to slow it down.6 min read Talking to yourself as you would to someone elseThe voice inside can lift you up or drag you down. What Ethan Kross has found about talking to yourself as “you” or by name, and what to do if that voice turns on you.5 min read A place to get it off your chest without saying who you areA place to share what weighs on you without saying who you are. Write, light a star and others will keep you company with kind words. No accounts and no cookies.2 min read If you feel lonely todayIf you feel lonely today, light a star in a shared universe and say what’s happening. Others will see it and keep you company. Free and anonymous.1 min read

Waiting and hope

What hope is, according to psychologyFor psychology, hope means having a goal, seeing ways to reach it and feeling able to follow them. How it differs from optimism and how to look after it.4 min read When you are waiting for newsA job interview, an exam, test results, an answer that does not come. What psychology has found about waiting and what helps you get through it a little better.4 min read Not knowing what is going to happenSome people find not knowing what will happen much harder than others do. What intolerance of uncertainty is and what helps you live with it.4 min read Wishing for something and setting outImagining your wish already fulfilled is relaxing, but brings it no closer. Psychologist Gabriele Oettingen proposes a four-step method to get from wish to way.4 min read Patience can be learned tooPatience is not gritting your teeth and putting up with it. What Sarah Schnitker’s research says and simple ways to practise it when the wait grows long.4 min read Starting again after a failureA failed exam, a business that closes, a relationship that ends. What psychology says about how we read failure and what helps us get back up.4 min read The value of small steps forwardWhat lifts a working day most is not big achievements but moving forward a little in something that matters. What Teresa Amabile found and how to see your progress.4 min read Optimism can be learnedOptimism is not thinking everything will turn out fine: it is how you explain what happens to you. What Martin Seligman found and how to change that explanation.4 min read What is up to you and what is notFeeling that nothing is up to you is exhausting, and so is believing that everything is. What Julian Rotter studied and how to tell one from the other.4 min read Making a hard decisionWhen you can’t decide, it helps to look for good rather than perfect. What Barry Schwartz found, and why we usually adapt better than we expect.4 min read Finding meaning when everything changesWhen a loss, an illness or a change throws everything into doubt, the question is what to carry on for. What Viktor Frankl taught about meaning.4 min read How long it takes to change a habitIt is not 21 days. A study by Phillippa Lally measured how long a habit really takes to become automatic, and found something that takes the pressure off.4 min read The way of the starsFor centuries, the Milky Way was called the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Where that legend comes from and what that band of light really is.2 min read The joy of what is yet to comeLooking forward to something good lifts the spirits, sometimes more than living it or remembering it. What researchers have measured and how to nurture it on hard days.5 min read What resilience really isResilience isn’t putting up with everything or feeling no pain. What George Bonanno and Ann Masten found, what supports it, and why it isn’t a solo effort.5 min read Waiting for the results of a medical testWhy waiting for medical results is so stressful and what helps, according to Kate Sweeny’s research: when to brace for the worst and how to get through the days.6 min read When you’re looking for work and it doesn’t comeWhat the Marienthal study taught about unemployment, why a job gives far more than a wage, and what helps keep your spirits up while you look for work.6 min read Starting from scratch in another countryEmigrating is a fresh start and also a form of grief. What John Berry and others say about adapting to a new country, for those who left and those who came to Spain.5 min read Hope and optimism are not the same thingYou can have hope without being optimistic. What the psychologists Bruininks and Malle found, and why hope appears when the outcome is out of your hands.6 min read Why waiting feels so longTwenty minutes in a waiting room can feel like a whole morning. Why time stretches when we wait, what David Maister observed and what helps in long waits.5 min read

Gratitude and joy

How to keep a gratitude journalWhat psychology says about writing down what you are grateful for, how to do it without it becoming an empty routine, and what to do on days when you find nothing.4 min read The three good things exerciseBefore bed, write down three things that went well and why. What it is, what Martin Seligman’s research found and what has been seen since.4 min read Savoring the good momentsPsychology calls it “savouring”: pausing on what is good so it lasts longer. What it is, what studies say, what spoils it and simple ways to practise it.4 min read Why sharing good news makes it biggerPsychology has studied what happens when we share something good and how to respond when others share with us. What helps and what, without meaning to, dims the joy.4 min read The gratitude letterWriting to someone who helped you and never got your thanks. What the gratitude visit is, why the letter is hard to write, how to do it and what to do if they are gone.4 min read What positive emotions are forAccording to the psychologist Barbara Fredrickson, positive emotions open us up and help us build resources for difficult days. What is known and what is not.4 min read Being grateful without quite knowing to whomSometimes we feel grateful for something that depends on no one in particular: a lovely day, a recovery, getting this far. What that gratitude is and how to express it.4 min read Awe: looking at the sky and feeling smallFeeling small before something immense, like a sky full of stars, has a name: awe. What psychology has found and how to look for it every day.4 min read The small joys of the dayA quiet coffee, a message, a while in the sun. Psychology has studied the small things of each day and their effect on how we cope with difficulties.4 min read When time flies: the state of flowThere are activities in which time disappears. Mihály Csíkszentmihályi called it flow. What it is, when it appears and how to make room for it in your day.4 min read Imagining your best futureWriting for a few minutes about your life if everything went as well as possible lifts your mood. What Laura King found, what is known today and how to do it.4 min read What really makes a good lifeA Harvard study has followed the same people since 1938. Its conclusion about what makes a good life is simple: good relationships.4 min read Money and happinessMoney matters a great deal when it is short and less when there is plenty. What Kahneman, Deaton and Killingsworth found, and why how it is spent matters.4 min read Why we laugh more in companyWe laugh far more often with other people than with nobody around, and hardly ever at a joke. What Robert Provine discovered and what laughing together is for.4 min read What a while among trees doesSeeing trees from a window went with a quicker recovery after surgery. What is known about why nature is restful and how much time is enough.4 min read Saying something kind to someoneWe think something good about someone and keep it to ourselves for fear of making them uncomfortable. Studies by Erica Boothby and Vanessa Bohns show we are wrong.4 min read The tears of Saint LawrenceEvery August the sky fills with shooting stars. What the Perseids are, where they come from and why in Spain they are called the tears of Saint Lawrence.2 min read Why music moves usA song can give you goosebumps or make you cry. What happens in the brain according to the studies of Robert Zatorre and Valorie Salimpoor, and how to listen better.5 min read Nostalgia, better than it seemsFor almost two centuries it was an illness. Studies by Constantine Sedikides and Tim Wildschut find that nostalgia brings us closer and gives meaning, though not always.5 min read Imagining you don’t have itThinking how your life would be without something good you already have can give it back its shine. What a 2008 study found, and how to try it without it hurting.6 min read What makes a friendshipAbout 50 hours for a casual friend and over 200 for a close one. What Robin Dunbar and Jeffrey Hall found on how a friendship begins and why it cools.5 min read Being where you areWe spend almost half the day thinking about something else. What Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert found, and how to come back to the moment without forcing it.5 min read Making something with your handsCooking, sewing, drawing or mending is linked to a better mood the next day. What a 2018 study found, and other clues about creating something every day.5 min read Taking photos of the good momentsPeople say taking photos stops you enjoying things. Kristin Diehl’s experiments found almost the opposite, with caveats: who the photos are for and what you do next.5 min read

Being there for others

Acts of kindness: why helping others is good for you tooHelping others lifts the mood of the person who helps. What the studies of Sonja Lyubomirsky and Elizabeth Dunn found, how much it really helps and ideas to get started.4 min read A star for someone you loveWhen someone you love is ill, sad or waiting for news, sometimes we do not know what to do. What really helps and how to look after yourself too.4 min read Really listeningListening well is not giving advice or telling your own story. What Carl Rogers taught about listening and how to practise it when someone tells you something hard.4 min read The kindness of a strangerWe think talking to strangers will be awkward, and studies show the opposite. Why a few words from someone you don’t know can change a day.4 min read Unwanted lonelinessFeeling lonely is not the same as having nobody near. What research knows about unwanted loneliness, why it matters for health and which steps help.4 min read Caring for the carerCaring for a relative who is ill or elderly wears you down. What caregiver burden is, how to recognise it and what helps you keep caring without breaking.4 min read Apologising and forgivingForgiving is not forgetting or saying the other person was right. What forgiveness is according to Everett Worthington, how to reach it and what makes an apology work.4 min read What to say to someone who is illWhen someone close has a serious illness we don’t know what to say. Listening without hurry and the ring theory help us get it right more often.4 min read “I understand why you feel that way”Validating is not agreeing: it is letting the other person know that what they feel is understood. What Marsha Linehan proposed and how to do it without stock phrases.4 min read When supporting others wears you outBeing close to other people’s suffering wears you down. What compassion fatigue is and what Tania Singer and her team found about supporting others without burning out.4 min read Speaking to a relative againNo longer speaking to a father, a daughter or a brother is far more common than people let on. What Karl Pillemer found when he studied those who made up.4 min read Joy is catchingA study followed thousands of people for twenty years and saw that happiness clusters and seems to pass from one to another. What was found and what is debated.4 min read How to offer your condolencesSimple phrases for offering condolences, what is best left unsaid, and how to do it at the funeral home, by message or by letter, based on what bereaved people say.5 min read Supporting someone in grief after the funeral is overAfter the funeral the visits stop and the grief goes on. What studies say about the support that helps in the following months, and how to give it without overwhelming.5 min read What a hug doesHugs that protect against stress, a hand that calms fear: what Sheldon Cohen and James Coan found, and how to offer comfort with a gesture when words fall short.4 min read The help nobody noticesWhy visible help can weigh on people while unnoticed help sits better. What Niall Bolger found about invisible support, and how to help without overwhelming.4 min read How to support someone with depressionWhat depression is according to the WHO, what patients, families and professionals advise, which phrases to avoid and how to encourage someone to seek help.7 min read Writing to someone you haven’t seen for a long timeYou think of someone and don’t write in case it seems odd. Studies show that the person who receives the message appreciates it far more than you imagine.6 min read Why we don’t help when there are more people aroundThe more people who witness someone in trouble, the less responsible each one feels. What Darley and Latané found, what has been seen since and how to break the effect.6 min read Words of comfort, hope and encouragementWords of comfort, hope and encouragement for someone going through a hard time, waiting for news or grieving a loved one. And which phrases to avoid.2 min read Condolence messages: what to write and what to sayOver 120 condolence messages for a card, a text or a work email, sorted by who has died. Plus what to say, what to avoid and how to help after the funeral.9 min read

Remembering someone who is gone

Staying connected to someone who has goneGetting over grief was once thought to mean letting go. Today psychology speaks of continuing bonds. What it means and ways to keep close someone who has gone.4 min read Grief does not come in stagesDenial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance: the five stages of grief are famous, but real grief does not follow that order. What psychology says today.5 min read The dates that hurtThe first anniversary, their birthday, Christmas. Why the pain comes back strongly on certain dates, and ways of getting through them when someone is missing.4 min read How to talk to a child about deathWhat to say to a child when someone they love dies: with the truth, in simple words and according to their age. And which phrases are best avoided.5 min read Grieving a petThe death of a dog or a cat hurts like that of a family member, and often nobody understands. Why that grief is real and what helps you through it.4 min read The griefs nobody seesThe loss of a pregnancy, the death of an ex-partner, a friend, someone you could not name. What disenfranchised grief is and how to look after it.4 min read Feeling close to someone who has goneFeeling they are still there, hearing their voice, talking to them. Almost half the widowed people in one study had experienced it. What W. Dewi Rees found.4 min read Guilt in grief“I should have noticed”, “I wasn’t there”, “I said that to them”. Guilt is one of the most common emotions in grief. What is known and what helps.4 min read Saying goodbye ahead of timeWhen someone you love has an illness that will not be cured, grief begins before the death. What anticipatory grief is and how to live through it.4 min read What to do with their thingsTheir clothes, their glasses, their mug. There is no deadline for deciding what to do with the things of someone who has died. What is known about objects in grief.4 min read When there is no goodbyeSomeone missing, a person with Alzheimer’s who no longer recognises you, someone who left without explanation. What ambiguous loss is, according to Pauline Boss.4 min read Every star has a nameThe brightest stars have had names for thousands of years, and many are Arabic. Where they come from and what naming has to do with remembering.2 min read How the dead are remembered in SpainCemeteries, chestnuts, panellets, Cádiz’s Tosantos, the Canary Islands’ Finaos or Soria’s Night of Souls. How Spain remembers the people who are no longer here.6 min read Why we need rituals to say goodbyeA funeral, a candle, a habit only you know about. What Michael Norton and Francesca Gino found about rituals and grief, and how to create one of your own.6 min read How long does grief last?There is no deadline for missing someone. What studies have found about how long grief takes, what prolonged grief is and when it is worth seeing someone.6 min read Laughing in grief is allowed tooA story at the wake and, suddenly, a burst of laughter. Why laughing after losing someone is not a lack of love, according to the studies of Keltner and Bonanno.6 min read Everyone grieves in their own waySome people cry and need to talk, others fix, work or walk. The grieving styles described by Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin, without gender stereotypes.6 min read When your father or mother diesEven when it is expected and you have a life of your own, losing your mum or dad stirs everything up. What changes inside you, what changes in the family and what helps.5 min read When your partner diesLosing your husband, your wife or your partner changes the house, the days and the plans. What is known about widowhood and what can help you in the first months.6 min read Grief is felt in the body tooTiredness, sleepless nights, a weight on the chest, more colds. Why grief affects the body, what broken heart syndrome is and when it is worth seeing a doctor.6 min read When your brother or sister diesLosing a brother or sister hurts like few things, and often nobody asks about you. Why this grief is so particular and what helps, for adults and for children.5 min read A virtual candle, shaped like a starLight a star for free in a shared universe for what weighs on you, for a loved one or for someone who is gone. Others will keep you company. Anonymous, no sign-up and no cookies.2 min read A star for a loved one who is goneLight a star in memory of someone who has gone: on an anniversary, on their birthday or on a hard day. Others will see it and keep you company. Free and anonymous.1 min read A star for those you have lostOn 1 and 2 November, light a star for someone who is gone. Others will see it shine and keep it company with you. Free, anonymous and with no sign-up.2 min read Messages for a loved one in heavenMessages for someone who has died: short, birthday in heaven, anniversary and Christmas, for mum, dad, grandparents, a child or a partner. Where to write them.7 min read The anniversary of a death: how to get through the dayHow to get through the anniversary of a death, a parent’s or a partner’s: the day before, ideas to remember them, words for that day and a star for them.7 min read A letter to someone who has diedWrite a letter to someone who has died, with questions to help you start. It stays only on your device: nothing is sent and nobody reads it. Why writing helps.7 min read The first Christmas without them: the empty chairHow to get through the first Christmas after a death: deciding as a family, the empty chair, children, small rituals, and permission not to celebrate this year.6 min read Mother’s Day without herWhen Mother’s Day falls in the UK, Ireland, the US, Canada and Australia, and how to get through it after your mum has died: ideas, the first one, words.7 min read Father’s Day without himWhen Father’s Day falls in the UK, Ireland, the US, Canada and Australia, and how to spend it after your dad has died: ideas, the first one, words for him.7 min read All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day: two days for those we loveWhat All Saints’ Day (1 November) and All Souls’ Day (2 November) mark, how they are kept, their link with Halloween, and words to remember those you have lost.7 min read The Day of the Dead: welcoming home the ones we loveWhat Mexico’s Day of the Dead means, what goes on an ofrenda and why, how it differs from Halloween, and how to remember someone this way outside Mexico.6 min read Messages for a pet that has diedWords to say goodbye to a dog, a cat or any pet that has died, and messages for a friend who has lost one, with a search by animal and gentle goodbye ideas.7 min read

✦ Light your star