The griefs nobody sees

Disenfranchised grief

The grief specialist Kenneth Doka gave it a name in 1989: disenfranchised grief. He defined it as the grief for a loss that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly mourned. It is grief a person lives through without those around them recognising their right to it. Without that recognition, the supports that help in other kinds of grief are missing too: rituals, company, permission to not be all right.

Every society has unwritten rules about which losses and which relationships “deserve” grief. Whatever falls outside them often goes unseen.

Which losses

• The loss of a pregnancy, or of a baby at birth.
• The death of an ex-partner, or of someone with whom the relationship was not public.
• The death of a friend, a colleague, a patient.
• The death of a pet.
• A death by suicide or overdose, when the family keeps the cause quiet.
• Losses without death: dementia that takes the person before their time, a break-up, a child who never came.

There is a separate article about the death of a dog or a cat: Grieving a pet.

Why it weighs more

Because it is carried without company. People going through it often hear things like “you’re young, you’ll have another”, “but you weren’t together any more” or “they weren’t family”. And they end up doubting their own pain.

A study of thirteen couples who had lost a baby during pregnancy or shortly after birth, interviewed over more than a year, described where that lack of recognition came from: uncertainty about the pregnancy, how the loss happened, what to do with the remains and how to share the news. These are moments for which almost nobody has words.

Having someone see it

The opposite of disenfranchised grief is grief that is accompanied. A study of 201 adults who had experienced a death or a pregnancy loss measured how far they felt someone had witnessed their loss, and found that feeling the loss was acknowledged was linked to fewer grief symptoms.

It does not take many people. Sometimes one person is enough, someone who says “I’m sorry, I know you loved them”, or who asks about them by name.

What helps

• Giving yourself the permission others do not give you: your sorrow is real.
• Finding people who have been through the same. There are associations and groups for almost all of these losses.
• Creating your own ritual: a letter, an object, a place, a date.
• Putting a name to what you feel, even if nobody else does.
• Asking for professional help if you cannot find anyone to talk to about it.

If you are supporting someone

If you know someone close is going through one of these losses, you do not need the perfect words. It helps more to acknowledge what has happened than to play it down, and to ask how they are weeks later, when others have stopped asking.

When you cannot go on

If the sorrow is stopping you from living, if you have gone a long time without being able to talk about it with anyone, or if you feel there is no way out, it is worth seeing your GP or a psychologist. Grief nobody sees deserves attention too. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.

Here it is seen

In A shared universe you can light a star for that loss you have not been able to talk about. Nobody will ask you whether you have the right to be sad. They will see it and keep it company.

There is no need to give names: you can choose for it to shine “For someone who is gone” or “For me”, however it feels to you, and write in a few words why. Whoever lit it can see how many times it has been kept company, never by whom.