A shared universe › Blog › Crying: why it sometimes brings relief · Español
Crying often brings relief, but not always: it depends above all on whether someone responds with kindness, whether what hurt can be understood or eased a little, and whether you cry without shame. People say that crying lets it all out. Often that is true, but not always. The psychologist Ad Vingerhoets, of Tilburg University in the Netherlands, and his colleagues have found that it depends a great deal on how and with whom you cry.
When people are asked about the last time they cried, most say they felt better afterwards. Lauren Bylsma, Ad Vingerhoets and Jonathan Rottenberg asked more than five thousand students in thirty-five countries in a study published in 2008.
That relief was more likely if someone was nearby and responded with support, if what caused the tears could be resolved a little, or if, in crying, the person came to understand better what was happening to them.
In the same study, crying brought less relief when it was done with shame or while trying to hold back. A 2014 review by Asmir Gračanin, Bylsma and Vingerhoets adds that the company of one close person helps more than that of many people. Nor does it help when what hurts stays exactly the same afterwards.
And in moments of great dejection it may bring no relief at all. The same review notes that deep sadness, anxiety and difficulty recognising your own emotions are linked to feeling worse after crying, and that some depressed people are unable to cry. That does not mean you are doing it wrong.
There is a curious detail. When people are asked about a past cry, almost everyone remembers relief. But in a diary study crying improved mood in only about a third of episodes, and in the laboratory, straight after crying at a sad film, mood is usually worse.
The authors of the review think memory may paint things in a kinder light and that relief, when it comes, needs a few minutes. So there is no point expecting to feel well as soon as the tears are dry: sometimes the calm comes a while later.
Vingerhoets and his colleagues propose that crying is, above all, a signal to others: it says “I need someone” without words. The 2014 review points out that visible tears stir empathy and a wish to help in whoever sees them. That is why it brings more relief in company. It is not a weakness; it is one of the oldest ways we have of asking for closeness.
If someone cries in front of you, what helps most is usually the simplest thing: staying close, not rushing them, not asking them to stop. In this team’s studies, feeling supported is among the things most linked to relief, and shame among those that most hold it back. A tissue, a hand on the shoulder or an “I’m here” say a great deal.
There are people who want to cry and can’t. That is normal too. Pain finds other paths: writing, walking, talking, sitting in silence with someone for a while.
Sometimes it helps to begin by putting words to what you feel; that is covered in naming what you feel.
Crying is a healthy response to a loss or a blow. But if you cry almost every day for weeks, if the sadness won’t lift or if you no longer enjoy anything, mention it to your GP or to a psychologist. You don’t need a “good enough” reason to ask for help. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
In A shared universe you can light a star with what has made you cry. You will not see whoever reads it, but you will know that they have been there and have left you a few words.
You can write it without saying who you are, and choose whether it shines for you, for someone or for someone who is gone. If it helps you to put into words what weighs on you, there is more on why telling it helps.