A shared universe › Blog › What to do with their things · Español
There is no deadline for deciding what to do with the clothes and belongings of a loved one who has died: what matters is that you decide, when you can, little by little, keeping what connects you most to that person. There is no need to clear everything quickly, nor to keep everything. Their coat is still hanging in the hall. Their glasses are on the bedside table. Some people tell you to clear it all out as soon as possible, and others tell you not to touch a thing.
The psychiatrist Vamik Volkan studied the role of belongings in grief and called linking objects those things a person keeps because they hold them close to the one who died: a watch, a piece of clothing, a letter. He focused mainly on cases where those objects stopped people from moving forward, as the title of his 1972 paper on the linking objects of pathological mourners shows.
Later research on continuing bonds sees the tie with the person who died as a normal part of adjusting to loss, one that can help and sometimes may not. Keeping some of their things is part of that tie.
A study of 70 people who had lost their partner, followed for around two years, found that remembering them fondly was linked to less distress, while seeking comfort mainly in their belongings was linked to more distress and to sorrow that eased more slowly. The authors conclude that what matters is the form the bond takes.
This does not mean keeping their things is bad. It suggests that objects keep you company best when they are not the only place where you find that person, and that memories, stories and what they left inside you also keep them close.
Nobody has to empty a wardrobe in a week, or in a year. Nor do you need to keep everything. What matters is that you decide, when you can, and not because of other people’s hurry.
That moment can hurt as well. The US National Cancer Institute’s guide to grief notes that giving away their belongings is one of the reminders that set off waves of sorrow. Knowing this helps you choose a calm day and not do it without company.
In a family, everyone grieves at their own pace: one person is hurt by seeing the things, and another is hurt by their disappearing. It is worth talking about it before someone decides for everyone.
It can help to agree on a timeframe, share out what each person wants to keep, and set aside a shared box for whatever nobody feels ready to decide yet.
If after a long time you still cannot go into their room, cannot bear anyone touching anything or, on the contrary, got rid of everything and now it hurts to have nothing of theirs, it may help to talk to your GP or a psychologist. If the sorrow becomes too heavy, do not carry it without company. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
There are memories that are not in any object. In A shared universe you can light a star “For someone who is gone” with one of them.
If you sometimes sense their presence without needing anything material, there is more about that in Feeling close to someone who has gone.