A shared universe › Blog › Supporting someone in grief after the funeral is over · Español
In the first days the house is never empty: calls, visits, food arriving in containers. Afterwards everyone goes back to their own life, and the person who has lost someone is left with the gap and a silent house. That is when you most notice who is still there.
In 2013 and 2014, the researcher Samar Aoun and her team sent an anonymous survey to bereaved families in Australia, through several funeral directors. 678 people replied, between six months and two years after the death. The support they had received most came from family, friends and the funeral directors themselves, and it was also the support they had least often found unhelpful.
Grouping what they remembered most painfully, the researchers found five kinds of complaint: lack of tact, bad advice, lack of empathy, obstacles in paperwork and services, and the absence of someone they expected to be there: people close to them whom they had counted on and who did not appear.
With those same responses, Aoun’s team tested an idea used in palliative care: that most bereaved people need, above all, the support of those around them, some need a little more organised help, and only a few need specialist care. The data fitted very closely: 58% had a low risk of their grief becoming complicated, 35% a moderate risk and around 6% a high risk.
For most people, then, what family, friends and neighbours do is the main help. You don’t need to know any psychology to give it.
It is best not to ask company for what it cannot give. In 1996, Wolfgang and Margaret Stroebe, with their team at Utrecht University, followed 60 people who had just been widowed and another 60 married people with similar characteristics. The support of friends and family did not make up for the loss of a partner: the loneliness of missing that particular person was still there. What it did ease was another kind of loneliness, that of feeling you have no one around you.
So you don’t need to try to fill the gap or find the phrase that fixes it. What you bring is that they don’t have to go through all this with nobody beside them.
In the Australian study, what was most appreciated looked like this: close affection, someone you can truly count on, feeling part of a group and some practical guidance. “If you need anything, call me” is said with good intentions, but it leaves the effort of asking in the hands of the person who is grieving. It usually works better to offer something specific, or simply do it:
It is common to avoid mentioning the person who has died for fear of causing pain. But the person who is grieving has not forgotten: they have them in mind at every hour. Hearing their name tells them that others haven’t forgotten either.
You can share an anecdote, ask about a photo or say what they would have found funny about something. If they get emotional, you haven’t done anything wrong; often it is a relief to be able to talk about that person with someone who knew them too.
Some days can be seen coming: the first birthday without that person, the anniversary, the first Christmas. The person who is grieving is very aware of them; what they don’t know is whether others will remember. Note them in your calendar and send a simple message that day or the day before: “Today I’m thinking a lot about your mum, and about you”. In The dates that hurt there are ideas for those living through them.
Grief does not come in stages: there will be good days and days that feel like the first, and both are normal. It has no deadline and it is not an illness.
But if, after many months, you see that the sorrow isn’t easing at all, that the person hardly goes out, has stopped looking after themselves or talks about life not being worth living, gently encourage them to talk to their doctor and offer to go with them. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free and answered 24 hours a day. If you are in another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
On the day you marked in your calendar, as well as sending a message, you can light a “For someone who is gone” star in memory of the person who died. It shines for seven days, and words of remembrance from people you don’t know gather on it.