A shared universe › Blog › The dates that hurt · Español
On anniversaries, birthdays and holidays it is common for grief to come back strongly, even after time has passed: it has a name, the anniversary reaction, and it does not mean you are going backwards. Thinking ahead about how you want to spend the day, and telling the people close to you, can make it easier to bear. Some days are marked on the calendar and can be seen coming weeks ahead: the anniversary, their birthday, the holidays when their chair is left empty.
Grief specialists call it an anniversary reaction: around certain dates, the sorrow returns with a strength that seemed to have passed. A review published in 2025 that brought together 58 studies on the subject concluded that the research supports its existence, and noted that it can show up in grief, in the body and in mood.
Sometimes it starts days before, without you knowing why you feel worse. It is not a setback. The body and memory keep a calendar too.
The US National Cancer Institute, in its guide to grief for patients and families, describes these waves of sorrow: short, intense spells of around twenty or thirty minutes, often set off by reminders such as holidays, the anniversary of the death or the moment of giving away their things. Sometimes they arrive for no clear reason.
The same guide explains that over time these waves become less frequent and less intense. Knowing this does not take away the pain of that day, but it helps you not to be frightened when it comes.
Many people say the days leading up to it are harder than the date itself. Knowing this can help: sometimes what we dread weighs more than what actually arrives.
At gatherings with more people, a small gesture is sometimes enough: a toast to the one who is missing, making their favourite dish, telling a story about them. That way their absence does not become something nobody talks about.
The first year is full of first times without that person. They are usually the hardest. The ones that follow still hurt, but they gradually become easier to bear.
And there are dates that are not on the calendar: a song in the supermarket, the first day at the beach, the smell of their perfume on someone else. They count too, and it is normal for them to catch you by surprise.
If every anniversary sinks you for weeks, or if after a long time those dates are still stopping you from living, it is worth mentioning it to your GP or a psychologist. And if you feel you cannot face that day, you do not have to go through it without company. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
In A shared universe you can light a star “For someone who is gone” on their anniversary or their birthday. Other people will keep it company with you.
It shines for seven days, and if you want it to carry on, you can come back and keep it lit for another seven. If it helps to understand why sorrow comes and goes like this, you can read Grief does not come in stages, and about the bond that continues, Staying connected to someone who has gone.