A shared universe › Blog › When you can’t stop going over it · Español
Going over and over how bad you feel, why it is happening and what will come next has a name: rumination. It does not bring the answer closer and tends to leave you sadder, but there are simple ways to start getting out of the loop. Some thoughts come back again and again: why it happened, what I did wrong, what will become of me. It seems that thinking more will lead to the way out, but it almost never does.
The psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema described it as going round and round how bad you feel, its causes and its consequences, without moving on to do anything. It is not thinking about a problem in order to solve it: it is going over it without getting anywhere, like opening the same letter again and again.
In a study she published in 2000, the people who ruminated most were more likely to go on to have an episode of depression, and also had more symptoms of anxiety. Rumination was especially common in those who felt sadness and anxiety at the same time.
It seems logical: if I go over it enough, I will find the answer. But in 2008 Nolen-Hoeksema, Blair Wisco and Sonja Lyubomirsky reviewed what was known, and what they found points the other way. Ruminating deepens sadness, makes thoughts darker, gets in the way of solving problems and holds you back from acting. Over time it can also push other people away, as they don’t know how to help with the same subject coming round again.
That is why rumination is misleading: it feels like an effort to understand, and in fact it leaves you more tired, sadder and less inclined to take the step that would help.
Thinking about a problem leads somewhere: a decision, a step, a conversation. Ruminating goes round in circles. A simple question helps to tell them apart: “I’ve been at this for a while, and do I know anything new?”. If the answer is no, it is rumination.
The 2008 review also sets it apart from another way of thinking about yourself that can help: reflection that seeks to understand and leads somewhere. Nor is it quite the same as worrying about what may come: that is covered in night-time worries.
None of these ideas wipes the thought away at once. It usually comes back, and the gesture needs repeating many times. Each time you notice you were ruminating and change course, even for a minute, you are already getting out.
When you catch yourself ruminating, it is easy to add a reproach: “here I go again”. That reproach becomes one more thought to go over. It helps more to speak to yourself as you would to someone you love who was going through the same thing: calmly, without hurry, recognising that what worries you matters.
It is not about no longer thinking about what hurts, but about thinking about it differently: at chosen moments, with someone beside you or with a sheet of paper in front of you, and not all the time.
If you have been caught in the same thoughts for weeks, if you are finding it hard to sleep, eat or get on with your life, or if the sadness won’t lift, mention it to your GP or to a psychologist. You don’t have to wait until you feel very bad to ask for help. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
In A shared universe you can write in a few lines the thing you can’t stop going over and light a star with “What weighs on me”. Putting it into words and knowing that someone has read it helps you let go of it a little.
It is anonymous and free, with no accounts and no sign-up. Other people will read it and keep it company with a touch or a few words of comfort, and you will see how many times they have done so. The star shines for seven days.