The anniversary of a death: how to get through the day

Why this date weighs so much

For months the calendar has been carrying the date quietly, and then it is there again: the day your mother died, the day you lost your husband, your wife, your father, your friend. Many people are surprised by how strongly it hits, even years later. It isn’t a step backwards and it doesn’t mean you are grieving badly. The body remembers the season, the light, the smells of those weeks, and the memory follows.

The first anniversary is often the hardest, because it closes a whole year of first times without them. The later ones can be calmer, or they can take you by surprise. Both are normal. If you want to know more about why certain days hurt so much, there is a page on the dates that hurt.

The day before

Many people say the days leading up to the anniversary are harder than the day itself. You start replaying what happened a year ago: the phone call, the hospital, the last conversation. Knowing this in advance helps a little. It is the waiting that weighs the most.

• Decide beforehand how you’d like to spend the day, even roughly. Not knowing makes the eve longer.
• Tell one or two people close to you that the date is coming. Most won’t remember unless you say so, and many would like to know.
• Ask for the day off work if you can, or at least for a lighter day. Nobody needs to know the reason.
• Sleep, eat, go out for a walk. It sounds small, but grief tires the body as much as the heart.
• If the night before is long, write down what you remember. A few lines are enough.

Ideas for remembering them on the day

You don’t have to do anything special. But if you’d like to give the day a shape, these are some ideas that people find comforting. Choose one, or none.

• Visit the grave or the place where their ashes were scattered, or go somewhere they loved: a beach, a park, a café, their football ground.
• Cook their favourite meal, or the dish they always made for you, and eat it with people who knew them.
• Play their music in the car or at home, loud if they liked it loud.
• Look through photos and tell the stories behind them. Children love hearing what their grandad or grandma was like.
• Write them a letter telling them about this year. Here is a private space to write a letter to someone who has died.
• Light a candle at home or in church, or a virtual candle if you are far away.
• Do something they would have done: plant something, help someone, donate to a cause they cared about.
• Go to Mass or a service for them, if faith is part of your life or was part of theirs.
• Call someone who also misses them. Saying their name out loud with another person helps more than we expect.

And if you’d rather the day passed like any other, that is also a way of getting through it. Some people find comfort in their normal routine, and there is nothing cold about it.

With family, or by yourself

In families, each person grieves differently, and the anniversary shows it. One wants to gather everyone for lunch, another can’t face it, another wants to visit the cemetery early and alone. It helps to talk about it a week or so before, without trying to agree on everything. You can share part of the day and keep part of it for yourself.

If you live by yourself, or the people who knew them are far away, plan at least one moment of company: a phone call, a coffee with a friend, a message to the family group. Don’t wait for others to remember; it is fine to be the one who says “Tomorrow it’s a year since Dad died. I’d like to talk about him.” And if tears come, let them; there is a page about why crying helps.

Words for the anniversary

For a card, a message to the family, a post or simply to say quietly. If you are looking for more, there are messages for a loved one in heaven.

• A year without you, and still I set out your cup some mornings.
• Today it’s a year since you left. I have missed you every single day of it.
• Mum, a year has gone by and I still pick up the phone to tell you things.
• Dad, I hope you know how much of you is in the way I do things now.
• They say time heals. It doesn’t, but it has taught me to carry you with me.
• Another year of loving you from here. Nothing has changed that.
• Today we’ll cook your recipe and set a place for your laugh.
• You are not in the house any more, but you are in all of us.
• Thinking of you today, and of everyone who misses you as much as I do.
• I don’t remember the day you died as much as I remember all the days you lived.
• My love, the world kept turning. I just learned to turn with it, holding your hand inside.
• Some days I talk to you out loud. Today I’ll talk to you all day.
• Thank you for everything you gave us. A year on, we are still opening those gifts.
• Wherever you are, I hope you can feel how much we love you.
• To everyone who remembers them today: thank you for not letting their name go quiet.

A star that comes back every year

In A shared universe you can light a star for them on the anniversary. On compartiendo.org, tap “Light your star”, choose “What weighs on me” or “What I’m grateful for”, and under who it shines for, choose someone who is gone. Write what you’d like to say without names, up to 280 characters. Your star shines for seven days, and other people keep you company with a few set words of support.

A star lit for someone who is gone has a “Remind me in a year” button. If you tap it, that device will remind you when the year comes round, as long as you have allowed notifications. It doesn’t ask for your name or your email: the reminder arrives as a notification on that device. There is more on lighting a star for a loved one and on staying connected to someone who has gone.