A shared universe › Blog › Self-compassion: treating yourself as you would treat a friend · Español
Self-compassion means treating yourself, when you fail or are having a hard time, with the same kindness you would show someone you love. If a friend told you they had failed at something, you would probably not say “you’re hopeless”. Yet that is often exactly what we say to ourselves.
The psychologist Kristin Neff, of the University of Texas at Austin, set out the idea in a 2003 article in the journal Self and Identity, and she has been one of its leading researchers ever since. She describes self-compassion through three elements:
In a review she published in 2023, Neff also explains it through its opposites: more kindness and less harsh judgement, more sense of shared humanity and less isolation, more calm awareness and less getting stuck in what hurts.
It is not self-pity, nor an excuse not to improve. In the same review, Neff goes through the most common beliefs about self-compassion, that it is weak, selfish or saps the will to try, and explains that research does not support them.
A meta-analysis by Angus MacBeth and Andrew Gumley (2012), which brought together 14 studies, found a strong link between more self-compassion and less psychological distress. These are correlational data: they show that the two go together, not that one causes the other.
As for the fear of going soft, some experiments point the other way. In four experiments by Breines and Chen (2012), people encouraged to look at a failure with understanding spent longer studying for a difficult test after doing badly, and were more motivated to work on a weakness of their own.
Many people believe that being hard on themselves is what keeps them going, and that if they are kind to themselves they will stop trying. Others learned as children that making mistakes was something to be ashamed of. That judging inner voice often goes back a long way, which is why changing it takes time.
It is not about ignoring what you get wrong. You can admit a mistake, apologise if needed and want to do better next time, without insulting yourself along the way.
Think of something that is making you suffer. Write down what you would say to someone you love who was in your place. Then read it as if it were being said to you.
Another way, when something hurts, is to go through the three elements with three sentences of your own:
If you find it hard to know what you are feeling, it may help to read about naming what you feel.
There are days when your mind keeps going back to a mistake or something you said. If that sounds familiar, you may find it useful to read about rumination and how to step out of those loops.
And if guilt or sadness lasts for weeks and you are struggling to get on with your life, talking to your GP or a psychologist can be a good step. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
Every star in A shared universe is someone who also carries something inside. Lighting yours, or keeping someone else’s company, is a way of remembering that nobody goes through things completely alone.
You can choose “For me”, write in a few lines what weighs on you, without saying who you are, and let others keep you company with a touch or with words of comfort for seven days.