A shared universe › Blog › How to offer your condolences · Español
Few situations leave you as blank as going up to someone who has just lost a loved one. It is frightening to say the wrong thing, and out of that fear some people don’t go, don’t call or write too late. Offering condolences asks for much less than it seems.
In Spanish, the word for condolences, “pésame”, comes from “me pesa”, “it weighs on me”. The Spanish dictionary defines it as the expression by which you let someone know the sorrow you feel at their grief or affliction. You don’t have to comfort them or explain anything: it is enough that they know that what has happened hurts you too and that they are not alone.
In 1986, the psychologists Darrin Lehman, John Ellard and Camille Wortman asked 94 bereaved people what, of everything others had done and said, had truly helped them, and what had hurt. What they were most grateful for was being able to express what they felt and contact with someone who had been through something similar. What they remembered most painfully was advice and the rush for them to recover.
Afterwards they put the same question to a hundred people who were not bereaved: what would they say in that situation? Most suggested exactly what helps. In the abstract, we know. The hard part is remembering when you are standing there, with the nerves of the moment.
At the funeral home nobody expects a speech from you. Going already says that the person mattered and that the family is not alone in this. Here are a few ideas for those moments:
You don’t have to be original. The usual phrases work: “I’m so sorry for your loss” or, more formally, “Please accept my deepest condolences”. If you want to say something more, it is better short and true:
There are more ideas in these words of comfort, which are meant for people who are grieving too.
Almost everything that hurts is said to cheer someone up. In Lehman’s study, what went down worst was advice and pushing people to move on. In practice it sounds like this:
A message is a perfectly good way to offer condolences, especially if you aren’t that close or live far away. Write it in your own words rather than forwarding a ready-made image, and make clear that there is no need to reply. If you are close, a call or a visit means more, even if it comes a few days later.
A letter of condolence, handwritten or by email, can be kept and read again. Three things are usually enough:
If you heard late, write anyway. Condolences that arrive two months later, when hardly anyone is calling any more, are a comfort too.
On the day of the funeral there are lots of people; in the weeks that follow, far fewer. If you want your condolences not to be left as an isolated gesture, make a note in your calendar to call again in a few weeks. And if, as time goes by, you see that the pain won’t let them live, encourage them to look for help. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free and answered 24 hours a day. If you are in another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
If distance or work keeps you from the funeral home, your condolences can take another form. Light a “For someone who is gone” star in A shared universe in memory of the person who has died. And then, when you can, call the family.