A shared universe › Father’s Day without him · Español
When your dad has died, Father’s Day can feel like a party everyone else has been invited to, with the barbecue offers, the adverts and the friends taking their fathers out. You don’t have to celebrate it or ignore it: you can remember him in your own way, and here are some ideas and words for that day.
In the United Kingdom, Ireland, the United States and Canada, Father’s Day is the third Sunday in June. In Australia it comes later, on the first Sunday in September. None of these dates is a public holiday, so the day often slips in between ordinary errands, and that can make it catch you off guard.
If you have family in Spain, you may know it on a different date: there it is 19 March, the feast of St Joseph.
Many fathers were not great talkers. Their love came through in things done side by side: fixing the car, watching the match, fishing in silence, a lift to the station at six in the morning, a tenner pressed into your hand “for petrol”. That is often what you miss most, and it can also be the best way to remember him.
So instead of looking for the perfect words, you might look for the thing you used to do together, and do it, even if it feels strange without him.
The first Father’s Day after his death often arrives before you are ready. The day itself may be quieter than you feared, or it may knock you sideways at the moment you least expect: in the supermarket queue, in front of the card rack, when someone at work asks “Doing anything for your dad?”. You can answer simply: “My dad died this year. I’ll be thinking of him.” Most people will be kind once they know.
In the weeks before, you may find the card aisles, the gift emails and the “Treat Dad” offers hard to face. You can unsubscribe, walk past quickly, or shop online for a while. Let the people close to you know in advance what you need, whether that is company, distraction or to be left alone. If you have brothers or sisters, you might agree to send each other a message or a photo of him that morning. For other days that may be hard, see the dates that hurt.
Some fathers were absent, or present and distant, or harsh. Some left when you were small. Some you hadn’t spoken to for years. When a father like that dies, the grief can be confusing: you may be mourning the man he was, the man he could have been, and the conversation that will now never happen.
You don’t have to make him a hero on Father’s Day. You can use the day to honour another man who was a father to you: a grandfather, an uncle, a stepdad, a teacher, an older friend. Or you can simply look after yourself. And if there is something you would still like to say to him, writing it in private can loosen a knot that has been there a long time.
If you have children, this day may be about you and him at once. Let them celebrate you, and also give them a way to know their grandfather: a story, a photo, his way of saying something. Children often find it easier to remember through objects: his watch, his cap, the mug nobody else uses.
If they are struggling with his death, answer their questions with honesty and in words that suit their age; there is a guide on how to talk to a child about death.
And if you are a father whose child has died, this day is yours too. You are still a dad. Men are often expected to hold everyone up and to keep their grief quiet. You don’t have to. Saying your child’s name aloud, to someone who will listen, is not weakness.
For a card you keep, a message to the family or to say quietly. There are more in messages for a loved one in heaven.