A shared universe › Blog › How to talk to a child about death · Español
Death is explained to a child with the truth, in simple, clear words (“has died”, “their body has stopped working”) and in a way that fits what they can understand at their age. Gentle phrases like “gone to sleep” or “gone away” tend to confuse more than they protect. When someone in the family dies, the first instinct is to protect the children: not to tell them, or to tell them only half. But children notice that something is happening, and what they imagine is often worse than the truth.
The idea of death takes shape little by little. In 1984 the researchers Speece and Brent reviewed the existing studies on how children understand it and broke it down into three ideas: that it is for ever, that the body stops working, and that it happens to all living things. According to their review, most healthy children in urban, industrialised societies have understood all three by around the ages of five to seven.
The US National Cancer Institute’s guide to grief gives a slightly different age guide. The ages are approximate, because every child goes at their own pace:
The NHS points out on its page on children and bereavement that direct, honest and open communication helps more than trying to protect them by hiding the truth.
The National Cancer Institute guide advises using direct words such as “died” or “death”, and warns that expressions like “he is sleeping” or “we lost him” can confuse children.
To know that it was not their fault, that the person who looks after them is going to stay, and that they can be sad and also play. Many children fear that they will die too, or that the parent who is left will go away, and they need to hear that they will be safe and well looked after.
Children move in and out of sorrow quickly: playing for a while afterwards does not mean they do not care. Sometimes they bring death into their games, and that is also a way of making sense of what has happened. They may ask about the person again months or years later, at important moments in their lives.
Seeing you cry need not frighten them if you explain why you are crying: it shows them that being sad about someone you love is something that can be shared. If you wonder why crying sometimes brings relief, there is more in Crying: why it sometimes brings relief.
Leaving them out of everything can make them feel shut out. What usually helps is explaining beforehand what they will see and what will happen, and letting them choose whether they want to go. Never by force. They can also say goodbye in their own way: with a drawing, a letter or a flower.
Doing something together in their memory helps: a drawing, a box with their things, looking at photos, telling stories about that person. Over time, that memory box can become a place to go back to when they miss them.
If after a few months the child is still very changed (not sleeping, not wanting to go to school, withdrawing or having fears that stop them living their life), talk to their GP or paediatrician. And look after your own grief too: to support a child, you need someone to support you. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
If you like, you can light a star together in A shared universe “For someone who is gone” and show it to them. You write why it shines, without names, and other people keep it company with words of comfort, hope, joy or remembrance. It shines for seven days, and you can come back so that it stays lit.