A shared universe › Blog › A star for someone you love · Español
To support someone who is having a hard time, it is usually enough to be close, to listen without rushing to fix things and to offer concrete help, including as the weeks go by. When someone you love is going through a hard time, their worry becomes yours too. You want to help and often you do not know how.
Listening well can be learnt. Really listening has simple ideas for doing it.
Sometimes keeping someone company seems like very little next to what they are going through. Research says otherwise. A 2010 meta-analysis, which brought together 148 studies with more than three hundred thousand people, found that those with stronger social relationships were 50% more likely to still be alive over the years the studies lasted.
It is a finding about relationships in general, not about any single visit. But it is a reminder of something easily forgotten: company is not a nice extra, it is part of what holds us up.
There is a very valuable kind of support that almost nobody sees. In a study by Bolger, Zuckerman and Kessler (2000), with couples who kept a daily diary during a very stressful period, many of the acts of support one partner said they had given were not recorded by the other. And precisely those unnoticed acts went with coping better with the situation.
The authors explain it like this: receiving help also has a cost, because it can make you feel you cannot manage. That is why, sometimes, what helps most is doing things without announcing them: getting the shopping in, taking care of an errand, staying close without asking every five minutes how they are.
Phrases that, without meaning to, play down what they feel: “it’s not that bad”, “some people have it worse”, “everything happens for a reason”. And comparing it with your own experience. The page on words of comfort has ideas for what you can say.
You do not always need the right words either. “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” keeps someone company better than a stock phrase.
Supporting someone is tiring. Worrying about someone you love weighs on you too, and it is all right to admit it. To care well, you need someone to look after you as well.
Giving support can also do you good. A 2003 study of older married couples, followed for five years, found that those who helped relatives, friends and neighbours, or gave emotional support to their spouse, had a lower risk of dying in that time. Receiving support showed no such effect once giving it was taken into account. It is a study of associations, but it suggests that caring for others, when it does not overwhelm you, is good for you too.
If the person you are supporting talks about not wanting to live or about it being better to disappear, take it seriously. Asking them calmly how they are and encouraging them to seek help is a way of caring for them, and you do not have to carry it all yourself. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
In A shared universe you can choose “For someone” and light a star for that person: for their operation, their results, what they are going through. No names. Others will keep it company, and you too.
When there is news, you can share how things are going, and those who kept your star company will see it.