A shared universe › Mother’s Day without her · Español
When your mum has died, Mother’s Day can hurt for weeks before it arrives, with the cards in every shop and the messages everywhere. There is no right way to spend it: you can remember her, rest or simply let it pass, and here are some ideas and words for that day.
Depending on where you live, the reminders come at different times of year. In the United Kingdom and Ireland it is Mothering Sunday, on the fourth Sunday of Lent, which is three weeks before Easter Sunday, so it moves every year, usually landing in March. In the United States, Canada and Australia it is the second Sunday in May.
If your family has roots elsewhere, you may feel it twice: in Spain Mother’s Day is the first Sunday of May, and in Mexico it is always 10 May, whatever day of the week it falls on.
Long before the day, the shop windows fill with flowers and “Best Mum in the World” mugs, the emails start (“Don’t forget Mum!”) and the adverts show mothers and daughters laughing in kitchens. For someone whose mother has died, each one is a small blow. It is fine to unsubscribe from those emails, or to opt out of Mother’s Day messages when a shop offers it. It is fine to walk past the card aisle quickly.
You may also notice friends who post photos with their mums, and feel envy, then guilt for feeling it. That is grief too. You don’t have to like those posts or look at them.
It can help to decide a few days before what you will do on the Sunday, even if the plan is to do very little. Having a plan, however small, makes it easier to say no to invitations that would hurt, and yes to the company that does you good.
The first Mother’s Day after her death is often brutal, especially if it comes only weeks or months after the funeral. You may wake up already tired. Keep the day simple and tell someone close how you are: a sibling, your partner, a friend who has lost their mother too. Don’t wait for them to guess; most people simply don’t realise.
Some people find it helps to plan the day minute by minute. Others prefer to leave it completely open. Both are fine. If you feel like crying, cry; there is a page on why tears help. And for the other dates of the year, see the dates that hurt.
Not every mother was easy to love. If there was distance, harsh words, years without speaking or a childhood that hurt, the day may bring a tangle of feelings: grief, anger, relief, guilt, sadness for the mother you never had. All of that can be true at once.
You don’t have to pretend she was perfect, and you don’t have to celebrate her. You can spend the day caring for yourself, or honouring someone else who looked after you. If there are things you need to say to her, good or bad, writing them down can help, and nobody else needs to read them.
For a mother whose son or daughter has died, this day can be the hardest of all. She is still a mother, every bit as much, but the child who made her one isn’t there to call. If you know a mother like this, don’t avoid her on this day. A short message saying her child’s name, “Thinking of you and of Emma today”, can mean more than anything you could plan.
And if you are that mother, you have every right to call yourself a mother, to be remembered on this day, and to spend it however you need. If you have other children, you can ask them to help you remember their brother or sister.
For a card you keep, a message to your family or to say quietly. There are more in messages for a loved one in heaven.