A shared universe › Blog › Guilt in grief · Español
Feeling guilty after a death is very common and does not mean you are to blame: it almost always comes from looking back with what you know now and did not know then. It tends to ease over time, and talking about it, looking honestly at what was really in your hands and asking for help if it does not let up are steps that help. After a death, the mind goes over and over what was done and what was not: the call you did not make, the doctor you did not push, the last conversation.
A team led by J. Li, which included the psychologist Margaret Stroebe, reviewed 34 studies with figures and 9 interview studies on guilt in grief. Their review, published in 2014, found that guilt is especially common in some more vulnerable groups and is linked to poorer health. It also found that guilt tends to be lower as time passes and when the end of the person’s life was a good one, and that men report it less.
In other words, you are not the only one who feels this way, and the way the last days went has a bearing on what you feel afterwards.
Now you know how it ended, and with that knowledge you look back. But at the time you did not know: you decided with what you had.
Sometimes, too, guilt is a way of carrying on believing that it was in our hands. And that, strangely, can feel less terrible than accepting that nothing could have been done.
A study that followed 60 widowed people for two years distinguished between blaming yourself (“it was my fault”) and regret (“if only it had been different”). Self-blame was linked to more difficult grief; regret was not.
Wishing you had said or done something is part of love. What is worth watching for is when that regret turns into a harsh judgement against yourself.
Feeling guilty does not mean you are guilty. It helps to ask yourself: what did I know at that moment? What would someone else have done in my place? What would I say to someone I love who told me this same thing?
Treating yourself with the understanding you would show a friend is not making excuses. There is more about that way of looking at yourself in Self-compassion.
Being told “don’t think about it” or “it wasn’t your fault” before anyone has listened usually leaves the guilt where it was. It helps more when someone lets you tell the whole story, calmly.
Punishing yourself does not help either: no longer looking after yourself, not allowing yourself a moment of relief or laughter, as if that were letting them down. Loving them and carrying on living can go together.
When guilt does not ease over the months, ask for professional help. A study of more than 1,300 bereaved people found that strong guilt predicted more symptoms of complicated grief and depression a year later. Knowing this need not frighten you; it is one more reason not to carry it without company. Your GP or a psychologist can help. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
In A shared universe you can light a star “For someone who is gone” with what you could not say to them. No names. Other people will keep it company.
You can choose “What weighs on me” and write in a few words what keeps going round in your head. Other people will keep it company with words of comfort, and you will see how many times they have done so.