A shared universe › Blog › Growing after a blow · Español
Post-traumatic growth is the change for the better that some people notice after a loss, an illness or a crisis: in how they see themselves, in their relationships or in what matters to them. It does not erase the pain, it does not happen to everyone, and researchers still debate how much of that change can actually be measured.
The psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun called these changes “post-traumatic growth”. They noticed that many people, after going through something very hard, said they valued life more, felt closer to certain people, found they were stronger than they had thought or saw new possibilities.
In 1996 they published a 21-item questionnaire to measure it, covering five areas:
In that study, people who had been through traumatic events reported more change for the better than those who had not. In 2004 the two authors brought together their theoretical foundations and the available evidence in an article in the journal Psychological Inquiry.
It does not mean that what happened was good, or that you should be grateful for it, or that the pain goes away. Growth lives alongside grief. Nor is it an obligation: nobody has to draw anything positive from what has happened to them, and everyone has their own time.
The questionnaire asks people how much they think they have changed. The difficulty is that remembering how you used to be is hard, and it is human to want to find something good in what hurts.
To test this, a team led by Frazier followed a group of university students in 2009: they measured how the students were doing in several areas and measured it again two months later. Of these, 122 went through a traumatic event between the two measurements. What they reported on the growth questionnaire had little to do with the changes that had actually been measured. What is more, those who said they had grown a lot had more distress, while measured growth went with less distress.
This does not mean that nobody grows. It suggests that the growth people report may partly be a way of reinterpreting what they lived through so they can bear it, and that it is wise not to confuse it with being better.
For anyone living through it, the practical point is simple. If you notice that something has changed for the better, you can welcome it without fear; if you do not, nothing is missing. What matters most is how you are today, with what happened to you, and what support you have close by to keep going.
If, after something very hard, you keep reliving it, have nightmares, avoid everything that reminds you of it or feel constantly on alert, the NHS explains that these can be signs of post-traumatic stress, which can be treated and usually improves. Your GP or family doctor is a good first step. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
Some people never notice anything like growth, and that does not mean they are doing it wrong. Others notice it years later, when they were no longer looking for it. Comparing yourself with the stories of triumph over adversity told everywhere can add one more weight to what you already carry. Every story is different, and yours deserves its own pace.
If you are in the middle of a loss, it may help to read that grief has no stages. And if you feel it is time to begin again, there are ideas in starting again.
In A shared universe you can light a star with what weighs on you, without saying who you are. Others will see it and keep you company. And if one day you look back and see that something has changed for the better, you can tell that in your star too.