A shared universe › Blog › Grief does not come in stages · Español
Grief does not move through five stages in order: research has not found that it works like a ladder of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. What people actually go through looks more like a coming and going between the pain of the loss and the life that carries on, and it is different for everyone. Almost everyone has heard of the five stages of grief. And many people, when they lose someone, wonder which one they are in, or why they are not going through them “properly”.
They were described by the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, based on her conversations with more than two hundred people who were dying: she was mainly talking about what they felt about their own death, not about those left behind. She also applied them to the relatives of those patients, and over time they spread to every kind of grief, as if they were steps to be climbed in order.
In 2017 Margaret Stroebe, Henk Schut and Kathrin Boerner reviewed what is known about the theory and concluded that it lacks solid empirical support, that it does not help to recognise people whose grief is becoming complicated, and that expecting someone to go through stages can harm those who do not experience it that way. Many grieving people worry that they are not feeling what they are “supposed” to, or not in the “right” order.
To be fair, one study did give some partial support to the idea of a sequence. A team at Yale University followed 233 bereaved people between one and twenty-four months after their loss and published the results in JAMA in 2007. The most common response, right from the start, was acceptance. And the painful feeling that weighed most was not disbelief but yearning: the longing to see that person again.
Disbelief, yearning, anger and sadness each peaked in that order, all within the first six months, while acceptance grew steadily. Other researchers criticised how the study was done, and its own authors later suggested talking about states that overlap and fade, rather than stages. Some feelings tend to weigh more at the beginning, but they are not steps climbed one after another.
The psychologists Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut proposed another way of understanding it, which they called the dual process model and published in 1999. They described how a grieving person moves back and forth between two things: times of facing the loss head on (crying, remembering, missing them) and times of dealing with the life that carries on (the paperwork, work, learning to do what the other person used to do, taking your mind off things). That swinging back and forth is not a sign that something is wrong. It is exactly what allows you to adapt, little by little.
In their model, stepping away from the pain for a while is also part of grieving. Laughing at a film one day fits in there too: it is taking a breath before going back to what hurts.
There are no recipes, but there are gestures that many people find useful for holding that coming and going:
Having no stages does not mean anything goes. If, after many months, the pain is just as intense and is stopping you from living, or if you are struggling to eat, sleep or look after yourself, it is worth talking to your GP or a psychologist. Asking for help is also a way of looking after yourself. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
In A shared universe you can light a star “For someone who is gone” on the day you need to, without it having to be a special date.
You write why it shines, in a few words and without names, and other people keep it company with a touch or with words of comfort, hope, joy or remembrance. If you would like to read more about how the bond with someone who has gone carries on, there is Staying connected to someone who has gone.