A shared universe › Blog › A star for you · Español
Asking for company for yourself is not selfish: we all need it at some point, and research shows that other people are usually more willing to help than we imagine. Some people light candles for everyone except themselves. They are used to caring, to holding things together and to not being a bother. But we all need, now and then, someone to keep us company.
Sometimes it is so as not to worry others. Sometimes it is because we think our problem is not that big, or that others have it worse. And sometimes it is because we were taught that asking is weak. None of that is true: what weighs on you matters, even if others are suffering too.
If you are the person everyone turns to at home or at work, it may feel strange to be on the other side. Perhaps you feel that if you stop, everything will fall apart, or that nobody would know how to help you.
Caring for others over a long time wears you down too, and admitting it does not make you any less strong. If you see yourself in that role, caring for the carer has ideas meant for you.
One of the reasons we keep quiet is that we imagine a “no” or an imposition. Research says we are usually wrong.
In six studies by Flynn and Lake (2008), people who had to ask for a favour expected to be told yes far less often than actually happened: they underestimated it by as much as half. One reason, according to their results, is that the person asking thinks mainly about what it costs the other person to help, and forgets how awkward it is for them to say no.
Years later, the psychologists Zhao and Epley (2022) tested this with more than two thousand adults, in imagined, remembered and real situations. People who needed help underestimated how willing others were to help and how good they would feel about it, and overestimated how much of an inconvenience it would be.
When someone supports you, you give them something too: the chance to be close and to be useful. Many people say that keeping others company does them good, and the study by Zhao and Epley points the same way: helpers felt better than the people they helped expected. Letting others be with you is allowing them to do that.
Think about what you would say to a friend in your place. You probably would not tell her to keep it to herself. You can say the same to yourself.
That way of speaking to yourself has a name in psychology: self-compassion, treating yourself with the same kindness you would show someone you love.
Asking does not have to be a big conversation. A few ideas that may make it easier:
There are times when there is nobody close to ask, or so it seems. If that sounds like you, it may help to read about unwanted loneliness.
If low mood lasts more than two weeks or you are struggling to get on with your life, the NHS advises seeing a GP. Wherever you live, your family doctor is a good first step. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
In A shared universe you can choose “For me” and light a star with what you carry inside. Nobody will know it is yours. Others will see it and keep you company with a touch or with words of comfort and hope. This time, the company is for you.
For seven days you will see how many times people have kept you company, and you can tell them how you are getting on.