A shared universe › Blog › Really listening · Español
Really listening to someone means trying to understand what they feel from where they stand, without judging them and without rushing to offer solutions, and reflecting back what you have understood so they can tell it has reached you. When someone tells us they are having a hard time, almost all of us do the same thing: look for a solution, play it down or tell them about something similar that happened to us. We do it with good intentions, and it is almost never what the other person needs.
The psychologist Carl Rogers argued that feeling truly listened to is, in itself, an enormous help. In a 1957 paper, republished in 2007, he described what, in his view, is needed for a person to change and feel better within a helping relationship.
Three attitudes come out of it: trying to understand what the other person feels from where they stand, accepting it without judging, and being genuine, without pretending. Rogers added something that is often forgotten: it is not enough to feel it, the other person has to notice it. He was writing about therapy, but those three attitudes work just as well in a kitchen, on a park bench or on the phone.
Almost everything that gets in the way comes from wanting to help quickly, or from how uncomfortable it is to see someone we love suffer. There is nothing shameful in that, but it is worth recognising it in ourselves so we can stop it in time:
Listening well can be learnt, just as cooking or driving can, and it shows straight away on the face of the person speaking. These are some simple things that tend to help:
In 2014, a team at the University of Central Florida put this way of listening to the test. In their experiment, 115 people talked for a few minutes to someone trained to respond in one of three ways: with active listening, with advice or with a simple “right, yes”.
Those who received active listening felt more understood than in the other two cases. Advice, on the other hand, left people almost as satisfied as active listening, and both much more than simple nodding along. The lesson is a kind one: it is not about never giving advice, but about the other person feeling understood first.
To find words when you do not know what to say, words of comfort has some that keep people company without judging.
Sometimes, while listening, something comes up that is too heavy for two people to carry: someone who has not slept or eaten properly for weeks, who says they cannot go on or that they do not want to keep living. Listening is still the first thing, but you do not need to carry it without help. You can encourage them to talk to their GP or a psychologist, and offer to go with them. If what they tell you frightens you, seek help straight away. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
And look after yourself too. Listening to other people’s pain is tiring, and it is fine to tell someone you trust how it has left you.
Keeping a star company in A shared universe is a bit like this: you do not give advice or opinions. You read slowly what someone has written and let them know you have been there.
You can do it with a touch or with a few words of comfort, hope, joy or remembrance. The person who lit it will see that someone has kept it company, never who. And if one day you are the one who needs to be listened to, you can light your own.