A shared universe › Blog › What is up to you and what is not · Español
Telling apart what is up to you from what is not helps you put your strength where it is useful: acting on what is in your hands, doing your part in what is only partly up to you, and accepting, ideally with company, what you cannot change. Some people feel their life is decided by others, by luck or by circumstances. And some take on their shoulders even what is out of their hands. Both are exhausting.
In 1966 the psychologist Julian Rotter published a paper on what he called locus of control: we differ in where we believe control over what happens to us lies. Some people feel it depends mainly on what they do; others feel it depends on luck, fate or forces they cannot foresee.
A 2021 review sums up decades of studies: feeling that your own actions make a difference is associated, across very different areas, with better and healthier outcomes. And another review published in 2026 on the pandemic found that people who felt control lay outside them, and who had little sense of control, showed more anxiety and more low mood. These are observational studies: they show that the two go together, not that one causes the other.
Believing that everything is in your hands has its own trap: it leads you to blame yourself for an illness, for being made redundant or for what someone else decides. What helps is not believing you control everything, but getting the dividing line right.
And sometimes the opposite happens: after a long time feeling that nothing changes, it is hard to see what really is in your hands. That is why it is worth reviewing now and then, calmly, what is up to you and what is not, because the answer changes with circumstances.
That guilt over what did not depend on you weighs a lot and resembles shame. If you recognise yourself there, you may find the article on guilt and shame useful.
It helps to sort what worries you into three:
In the first, act. In the second, do your part and let go of the result. The third can’t be solved: it can be kept company.
You can take a sheet of paper, write down everything that worries you right now and put a 1, a 2 or a 3 next to each thing. Then choose a single small action from the first pile for today or tomorrow: a phone call, an email, an appointment.
For the second pile, write down which part is yours and how far it goes. Preparing well for the interview is yours; what they decide is not. Looking after yourself is yours; the result of a medical test is not.
The third pile is often the heaviest, because nothing can be done with it. There, talking it over with someone, putting it into words or writing it down helps more than going round in circles trying to solve it.
Often what is hardest is not what we cannot control, but not knowing how it will end. If that is your case, there is a whole article on how to live with uncertainty.
Doing something small from the first pile can give you back a little sense of control, even if the big thing is still unresolved. The review on the pandemic, in fact, suggests looking for ways to increase that sense of control as part of caring for people.
If for some time you have felt that nothing you do changes anything, if that takes away your wish to get up or comes with a sadness that won’t lift, it is worth talking to your GP or a psychologist. That feeling can be worked on, and you don’t have to carry it without help.
For that third pile there is A shared universe. You can light a star with “What I hope for” and leave there what is no longer in your hands, without names and without anyone knowing who you are. Other people will keep it company with you.
Your star will shine for seven days, and if you want it to carry on, you can come back and keep it shining for seven more.