A shared universe › Blog › What to say to someone who is ill · Español
Being listened to helps someone who is ill more than any perfect sentence: an “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here”, open questions and respect for their silences. It is best to avoid clichés, medical advice and disappearing for fear of getting it wrong. You find out that someone you love has a serious illness. You want to rise to the occasion, and you are afraid of saying something that will hurt them.
The Spanish Association Against Cancer offers guidance on talking about the illness (in Spanish) that works for almost any serious diagnosis. The first point is not to rush: to give the person time to take in what is happening to them, and to spend a while watching, listening and understanding what they know and what they think.
It also points out that people who are ill are often looking for emotional support more than solutions. That is why it recommends not interrupting, asking rather than assuming (better “what is worrying you?” than “you’re feeling all right, aren’t you?”) and respecting silence when they do not want to talk. Sitting together without saying anything is a way of keeping them company too. And if they cry, there is no need to stop the tears: sometimes crying is a release that leaves them calmer.
There is an idea that has become very well known for not getting it wrong, the so-called ring theory, put forward by Susan Silk. You draw a circle with the name of the person who is ill. Around it, another with the people who live with them. Further out, the family; then friends; then acquaintances. Each person finds their own ring.
Comfort goes in. Venting goes out. To anyone in a ring closer to the centre than yours, you give only support. Your fear, your sorrow and your tiredness are real, but you tell them to someone in a ring further out. It is not for the person who is ill to comfort you.
The rule does not ask you to hide everything from the person who is ill or to talk around things. The same association explains that talking clearly about the illness usually helps, and that avoiding the subject or softening feelings, even when done to protect them, rarely helps. What the rule marks is which way the weight goes: if you need to unload your distress, look for someone in an outer ring.
Those who care for someone closely need their own support too. The association encourages carers to look after themselves so they can look after others (in Spanish): sharing what they feel with other relatives and friends, not cutting themselves off and asking for specific help. If you are the one caring, how to look after yourself when you care for a relative has more ideas.
You do not need to have exactly the right words. Simple things help:
If you would like to know more about listening without judging or correcting, we cover it in how to really listen to someone.
The association warns that clichés such as “you have to be strong” tend to make people uncomfortable, and that it does not help to tell the person what to do or to judge their attitude. Other phrases and gestures best avoided:
Whether or not to talk about the illness is the decision of the person who has it. In its guidance on relationships with friends (in Spanish), the association reminds people who are ill that they have the right to say no to a visit or a plan if they would rather be without company or only with those closest to them.
If they say no, don’t take it personally. And keep offering: some shared leisure time, when they feel like it, also helps to make up for the bad moments.
In A shared universe you can light a “For someone” star for as long as their illness lasts, without saying who they are. It shines for seven days and you can light it again so that it carries on. Other people will keep it company with a tap or a few words of hope, and if one day you can say that “today they’re a little better”, there is room for that too.
And your own fear, which is best not loaded onto them, has a place too: in a “For me” star.