A shared universe › Blog › Writing to someone you haven’t seen for a long time · Español
There is someone you haven’t spoken to in years: a classmate, a former neighbour, a friend from national service or your first job. Every now and then you think of writing to them, and you put it off. That day never comes, because the more time passes, the odder it seems to do it.
Many friendships don’t break: they fade without anyone deciding it, a house move, a new job, children, a bad patch when you didn’t feel like talking to anyone. One day you realise it has been five years since the last message.
When you think about getting back in touch, the doubts appear. That the other person won’t remember you as you remember them. That they will wonder why you are writing now, as if you wanted something. That the conversation will be awkward. That they won’t reply. And underneath all that, sometimes, a little guilt at having let so much time go by.
Those doubts seem reasonable. But the studies that have looked at this particular moment say something different: we tend to be wrong when we imagine how the other person will take it.
The researcher Peggy Liu, of the University of Pittsburgh, wanted to measure that fear. With SoYon Rim, Lauren Min and Kate Min she ran thirteen experiments with almost six thousand participants, and published the results in 2022 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
In the first, some participants recalled a time when they had written to someone for no particular reason, and others a time when someone had written to them. Those who remembered writing believed their gesture had been appreciated far less than those who had received one said it was.
Then they tried it with real relationships. Participants sent a short note, sometimes with a small gift, to someone they had not been in touch with for a while. Before sending it they estimated how much it would be appreciated. Then the recipient was asked. In every version the same thing happened: the writer fell short. The other person appreciated it and was happier about it than the sender had predicted.
The miscalculation also appeared with close friends, but it was greater with more distant relationships: acquaintances, former colleagues, friendships that had been dormant for a while. Precisely the ones it is hardest to write to.
According to the authors, the key is surprise. The person who receives the message gives it great importance: someone, for no reason and without being expected to, has thought of them. The person sending it barely takes that into account. In their experiments, the more unexpected the message, the more it was appreciated and the greater the gap between what the sender imagined and what really happened.
Put another way: the very thing that holds you back, that a lot of time has passed and that it has come out of the blue, is what makes the message welcome.
There is one important caveat. These studies were carried out with relationships that had been good. They did not look at what happens when there was a quarrel or some hurt along the way. If what separates you is an old falling-out, the path is different, and what is said in speaking to a relative again may help.
Another study goes a step further. Amit Kumar, of the University of Texas at Austin, and Nicholas Epley, of the University of Chicago, asked a group of participants to think of an old friend with whom they had lost touch and to choose how to reconnect. Most believed a phone call would bring them closer than an email, and still preferred the email, because they feared that speaking on the phone would feel awkward.
Then they drew lots to decide who would call and who would write. Those who called felt closer to their friend and, contrary to what they expected, were no more awkward than those who wrote. The study was published in 2020 in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General.
A written message is still worth sending, and is often the easiest way to take the first step. But if you feel up to calling, the voice usually brings you closer than you fear. It is the same family of findings that explains why a gratitude letter moves people more than the person who wrote it believes.
You don’t need a long message or an explanation of why you haven’t written before. Here are some ideas that make it easier:
For example: “I walked past our old school today and thought of you and our afternoons in the library. I hope you’re doing really well”. Or: “I found a photo of that trip to the hills and had a good laugh. How’s life treating you?”.
It can happen, and it doesn’t always mean what you fear. People change number, go through complicated times or don’t know what to say after so many years and leave it for later. In Liu’s studies, the person who received the message was asked directly, and on average they valued it quite a bit more than the sender expected.
Nor does the message have to open a new friendship. Sometimes it stays a lovely exchange, and that is fine too. You have let someone know that they are part of your story.
There is one case in which the fear of intruding grows even more: when you know that person is going through something difficult, an illness, a separation, the death of someone dear. A simple message, such as “I heard, and I’m thinking of you a lot”, doesn’t demand a reply and can go very deep.
If you don’t dare write to them yet, try a “For someone” star with “What I’m grateful for” first. In 280 characters, the sentence you were looking for often turns up. Then you will know how to begin the real message.