A shared universe › Blog › Asking for help when it’s hard · Español
Asking for help is hard because we get the sums wrong: we think others will say no or that we will be a nuisance, and studies show they agree far more often than we expect and that helping feels good to them. Asking directly and specifically makes it easier. Asking for help is hard. We are afraid of being a nuisance, of seeming weak or of being told no. And yet almost all of us help gladly when someone asks us.
The psychologists Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake, in six studies published in 2008, asked people to estimate how many strangers would agree to do them a simple favour, and then checked how many actually did, both in experiments and out in the street. People said yes much more often than expected: those asking underestimated the response by as much as fifty per cent.
Their explanation is that the person asking thinks mainly of the bother they are causing, and not of how hard it is for the other person to say no.
Years later Xuan Zhao, of Stanford University, and Nicholas Epley, of the University of Chicago, returned to the question in a 2022 study with more than two thousand adults. In imagined situations, in memories and in real encounters, people asking for help repeatedly underestimated how willing others were to help and overestimated how much it would put them out. Helpers are moved, more than we think, by a sincere wish to do something for someone else.
The authors describe it as a misplaced barrier: we stop asking for what we need because of an idea of other people that does not match what they feel. Think of the last time someone asked you for something you could give: most likely you did it gladly, and were pleased they had counted on you.
On top of that miscalculation come other things we all know: the fear of seeming weak, the habit of being the one who helps rather than the one who asks, the feeling that we ought to cope with everything. When what weighs on you is grief or strain, it is also hard to find the words.
Asking for company is not selfish; that is covered in a star for you. And if the hardest part is having no one to turn to, you may find it useful to read about unwanted loneliness.
Sometimes the answer is no, and it hurts. It almost always has more to do with the other person’s situation than with you. A no to a particular request is not a no to you. It can help to thank them for thinking about it and try again later, or with someone else.
And if someone does help you, you can return it when the time comes, to that person or to another, without keeping count.
When what weighs on you lasts for weeks and does not let you live, asking a professional for help is a good decision. The first step can be your GP, who can point you towards a psychologist if you need one. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
Lighting a star in A shared universe is a way of asking for company without having to say who you are. Whoever reads it leaves you a few words, and sometimes that gives you the push to ask someone close for it afterwards.
It is not a helpline and it does not replace anyone, but it is free, anonymous and needs no account or sign-up. Your star shines for seven days, and you can come back to say how things are going.