A shared universe › Blog › Staying connected to someone who has gone · Español
Staying connected to someone who has died is normal: the psychology of grief now speaks of “continuing bonds”, a relationship that changes shape but does not break. For a long time, getting over grief was thought to mean letting go, turning the page. Today many psychologists think differently.
In 1996, the researchers Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman brought together work by several authors in a book whose title sums it up: “Continuing Bonds”. They argued that the idea that grief exists to cut ties with the person who died rested more on cultural habits than on how people actually live through loss. And that healthy grief can include an ongoing relationship with that person, without this being a denial of their death.
Ten years later, a special series in the journal Death Studies returned to the subject. In its introduction, Field described the bond as a normal part of adapting to loss, which can help, although in some circumstances it can also do harm.
A 2010 study of 502 bereaved people distinguished two kinds of bond. One is more inward: drawing on what that person taught you, as if their memory were a safe place from which to keep going. That kind went with more personal growth. The other, more linked to violent deaths or to feeling responsible for what happened, came with harder grief.
Klass himself, in a 2006 article, concluded that asking whether the bond helps or hinders is too simple for what the evidence shows. It depends on each person, on the relationship they had and on the circumstances of the loss.
It also helps to remember them with someone who knew them. Telling their stories together keeps them present in the conversation, and sometimes details come up that you had forgotten.
Those dates can hurt a great deal. Dates that hurt has ideas for preparing for them.
Some memories bring comfort and others reopen the wound every time. If you notice that thinking about that person leaves you feeling worse again and again, it does not mean you love them wrongly or that you need to forget them. It may be a sign that you need more support to carry the loss.
Talking it over with someone you trust, with your GP or with a psychologist who knows grief well can help, over time, to make the memory weigh less and keep you company more.
There is no deadline for stopping missing someone, and no right way to do it. There are days when the sorrow comes back strongly without warning, and that is normal too. Nor are there fixed stages to go through in order: grief has no stages.
The NHS reminds us that there is no right or wrong way to feel and that, over time, the intensity usually eases. It advises getting help if sadness or guilt does not ease, if it is hard to accept the death or if you cannot get back to your daily life. If the pain is stopping you from living, asking for professional help is a good decision. In Spain you can talk to a person at the Teléfono de la Esperanza, 717 003 717, at any time. If you are thinking of ending your life, call 024: it is free, confidential and answered 24 hours a day. If there is immediate danger, call 112. In another country, call your local emergency number or a helpline there.
In A shared universe you can choose “For someone who is gone” and light a star in their memory, with what you would like to tell them. Others will keep it company with you, with a touch or with words of remembrance and comfort. You can also read a star for a loved one who is gone.